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November 19th, 2009

07:15 pm - List.
I miss having a someone I truly trust to talk to just about anything.
I miss having a best friend.
I miss having a best friend in this state.
I am excited for my last semester at the community college next spring.
I am not excited to have to study any more for this semester.
I have a very unsettling feeling that has been riding in my chest for the past 2 weeks that I cannot seem to get rid of or ignore.
I have been enjoying getting out a little more than I used to.
I wish my mind would stop racing with thoughts on anything and everything sometimes.
I am trying to stay busy.
I am trying to figure a lot of things out.
I really do not know what to do about some things right now.
I think I want to get my hair cut.
I miss a lot of things.
Current Music: Vampire Weekend - "Horchata"

(1 read | write)

November 4th, 2009

10:26 pm - CD Shopping list:
The Antlers - Hospice
Say Anything - Say Anything
Julian Casablancas - Phrazes for the Young
The Arctic Monkeys - ... umm idk the name of the CD! damn...
The Good Shoes - ...also don't know the name of it!
The Avett Brothers - the CD with "I and Love and You" on it
Kings of Leon - idk take your pick i guess, their music is pretty good
Tegan and Sara - Sainthood
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
Death Cab for Cutie - umm that new EP they have out

...so that's like $100+ of money I don't have, but really i do, but i don't want to spend that much. Oh time and money you fools you! let's go week by week! ...so sometime by next year i should have all these CDs? ha
Current Mood: [mood icon] dorky

(write)

07:34 pm
OH what am I?
but some complex drug
I get high all the time
and fuck things up
And there it is
and ending to begin again
a lost soul wants to win again
and lose that fucking sin again
complexities don't reign down on me
because I'm the only one making my mind bleed
with selfless thoughts
getting selfishly caught
as i try
and comply
with my thoughts all the time
all I want is to see myself again

(write)

October 29th, 2009

01:03 pm - REITERATE
It has become almost nauseating to think about how much attention I want. Why am I even doing this? It's true that I really miss all the attention, but I really can't stand feeling like I really am not getting any attention or enough, but what kind of person am I to make standards like that. Idk whether I'm just being annoying or just thinking about things too much. I don't seem to know much of anything right now. My wants. My needs. Idk. School's back in check now I think and I went to the gym last night so I suppose that's good.I hate feeling like I'm just back at square one and I don't know what to do about it. I guess I need to learn to enjoy the time to myself too.

Brian needs to figure his shit out. School, not so much. Everything else, ya probably.
Current Mood: [mood icon] confused
Current Music: Mt. St. Helen's Veitnam Band - Anchors Dropped

(write)

October 24th, 2009

09:31 am - Dreams or Nightmares, and Day Dreams
Everything feels just fine when I'm dreaming. It's when I wake up that I don't feel fine about it anymore. Dreams are nice, but recently they've been a constant tease of things that I want and things that I'd rather not think about. It just ruins my mornings waking up like that. The day dreams aren't any better than when I wake up from a dream. It's all just a tease. The things I want are just piled up but it's all against me once I'm awake.

Screw work, I just want write poetry all day.

(write)

October 23rd, 2009

04:57 pm - Tea
Today has been an interesting day to say the least.
The morning unexpected
a call did come to me
about carpooling to a Spanish class
where we both did flee
mild conversations rode
the questions cross our tongues
few and far between they were
until she bit her thumb
class did come and class did go
she drove me home with haste
the traffic spewed an awful crawl
to which we did distaste
we came across an beat dirt drive
and we said our fair goodbyes
i thought an odd peculiar
as i ate my meal
and chose to dismiss it once
tightly packed and sealed
felt the clothes and packed the sheets
some cleaning had begun
i wait i wait the yard had
trimming to be done
debris debris fall unto me
And make me see what I can't see
Closely packed leaves of tea
Will help me concentrate
A caffine high kick kick kicks
Kill an hour or two to feel
The high wear off, I'm just a drop
For my mind's lonely meal
But it's not so bad, The day's been good
So I drink my tea
Fall in debris
And kick kick kick
Th night's not done

(write)

08:10 am - Attention.
Trying to stay busy is a little hard sometimes. On the days I want to hang out with people, everyone just seems to be busy with other things. I really want to get out more. I can't stand all this time to myself. I'm trying to remember my lists and just try and keep everything I've written down and what everyone has told me in mind, but some things I really don't want to accept or my thoughts just get the better of me a lot too. I try to stay busy with school work, but it doesn't really help when one little thing will give me a reminder of it all and I can't keep my concentration any more. Three days a week. As much as it's nice to see each other sometimes I really wish I didn't have to. All it does is make me think of everything I've lost, and that's all I seem to think about now. I really don't want this. Any of this. I miss my best friend terribly, and I'd love to get some more attention from anybody that seems interesting to me. That can keep my mind off of everything. Going from getting all the attention in the world to practically nothing is something I'd rather not deal with.
Current Music: The Shins

(write)

October 18th, 2009

09:27 pm
"Your Heart Won't Heal Right If You Keep Tearing Out The Sutures."
Current Music: The Postal Service - Nothing Better (Styrofoam Remix)

(write)

October 17th, 2009

02:05 pm - Dealing Part 2
I miss my best friend all to much right now.
I miss both of my best friends a lot right now,
but damnit all I really wish trevin was here right now
Or I could afford to go see him in arkansas.
Being patient has been one of the hardest things to deal with for me
Because the last time I had to be so patient I actually had someone to support me, and just
Be able to hang out with me whenever, no matter what.
Letting go of something like this is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to deal with because as much as I know it would probably be better for me, I don't want to let go.
It's really hard to even worry about myself with all these thoughts constantly buzzing through my head. I feel so sure about what I want to do, but my emotions have just been
jumbling up everything up for me it seems. One day I feel hopeful and confident, and the nexy day I may just feel like I don't want to even get out of bed and just say, "fuck you!" to the day.
I really don't know what I'm going to do if I don't find some sort of release or escape soon because this all seems like too much to deal with.
Current Location: CVS
Current Music: Dntel

(write)

October 11th, 2009

09:31 pm - I AM THE NEW AMERICAN PIONEER.
"Looking forward, never back, no longer content
to wait for better times... I will work for better times.
'Cause no one built this country in suits.
All I need is all I got.  Bruises heal, stink is good, and apathy is death.
So I strike up for the new world!  A newer mightier world,
the one I will make to my liking.  For after the darkness comes the dawn.
There is a better tomorrow.  Look across the plains and mountains and see America's
eternal promise, a promise of progress.   Go forth with me, Go Forth!"



Gotta love Levi's new advertising.  I took a picture of this from their building in San Fran a while ago, but it's funny how most things in there are exactly what I need to be telling myself.

Current Mood: [mood icon] calm
Current Music: Sigur Ros

(write)

05:58 pm - Don't Get Your Hopes Up.
Remember "The Rules."
-1-2-3-4-5-
Keep you cool.
-Don't let emotions and worst case scenarios get the better of you.  Think things out first.
Be patient.
-It will be worth it no matter what.
Whatever happens, happens.
-Good or bad.
Try your hardest.
-Even if it wasn't the outcome you wanted you cannot say that you never tried.
Keep your head in the game.
-There are more important things than just thinking about what happened.
Stay positive. 
-Do not bring yourself down.  You have no reason to be so hard on yourself if you do not even have control of the situation.
Do not get distracted.
-This is one of those distractions.
Do not over think little things.
-Haha
Remember your friends.
-Do not over think about reactions or make up expectations.
Always remember.
-You are strong.
-You will survive.
-You are infinite.


(write)

October 4th, 2009

09:34 am - Condensed Soup.
I found 4 colleges I'll be applying for once I get set up with a counselor within the next week:
San Jose State University
San Diego State University
CSU Los Angeles
CSU Long Beach

Each college has a Bachelor's in Science major in both Criminal Justice and Chemistry, so I'm pretty excited to be able to work out a double major.

I really have been having trouble concentrating on anything at work, everything just seems so against us for succeeding in the store that it has been lowering morale quite a bit.  Plus, I honestly cannot stop thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. period.  It all seems too unhealthy: all this thinking, all this lack of sleep, all these bad dreams, all these things I can't be hopeful about.  I am really hoping something good happens soon so I can keep my mind off things even if it's just for a little while.


Current Music: The Killers - "My List"

(write)

September 26th, 2009

10:00 pm - Listen.
Listening to people and really trying to trust people and their opinions or stories is something I have been quite thankful for recently.  I was talking to my dad today and he definitely made me feel much better about everything I've been dealing with, and is willing to help me with everything too.  The first thing he's going to do with me is go with me to visit other colleges in California, which I'm rather excited for!!  I mean, I can't help but to still feel sad about certain things, but I'm glad I can do these things for myself, and listening to EVERYONE about what I've been dealing with, and not just what they think about my situation, but just talking and listening to other people about their life and everything have all helped me realize a lot of things about my life that I have been careless about in the past few years.  I know I can work out things for myself and figure this all out and what I want to do.  I've just got to do as my dad simply quoted the movie Hoosiers, "Keep your head in the game."
Current Music: Julian Casablancas - "11th Dimension"

(write)

September 25th, 2009

11:51 pm - Skeleton Me.
 Paramore's new album has hit so many points in my mind in pretty much every song it's ridiculous.  If I were to compare the emotional epiphany I had at work to any of the songs it would have to be "Looking Up," "The Only Exception," or "Misguided Ghosts."  I feel much better listening to that album now and I feel more comfortable with a few other thoughts too.  I realized I shouldn't worry about things I can't control, and that I need to come to terms with "Whatever happens, happens" more or less.  I got to blast the new album after we closed at work while I was stocking the shelves and it was amazing.  I wish I could do that everyday when i worked cuz I feel like I got more done in that half hour than I did at any other time at work.
Current Mood: [mood icon] calm
Current Music: Luke Lalonde of Born Ruffians

(write)

September 24th, 2009

07:16 am - Dealing.
Everyday seems to be a new challenge.  I'm trying to learn how to deal with one thing at a time.  It's been pretty hard, but I'm glad some things have been working out at least.  Not quite everyday, but at least a lot of the days recently I've realized something new either about myself and what I need to work on or just new things to make me worried about the future a bit.  I can't help but to feel a little worried because there may be some change, but all I can do right now is wait it out, work those worries out of my system, and hope everything gets better.
Current Mood: [mood icon] worried
Current Music: The Strokes - "Between Love and Hate"

(2 read | write)

September 21st, 2009

10:01 pm - HOUSE
Probably the most feel good episodes of House I have ever seen. At least it feels that way for me. It made me have hope for a lot of things. That I can do better. I've just gotta try to keep other things out of my mind no matter how hard it is. I can better myself for myself.

The gym made me feel pretty good too. I was suprised at how well my endurance is with running still. 45 minutes at a good pace, and a good tv show to keep me occupied. DId just a few upper body and ab workouts, but was pretty tired from my run and the tiny lunch and dinner I had.

Anyways, this music video definitely feels like a good ending to the day. If fits so perfectly in how these last 3 or so hours have treated me. This is probably the best I've felt about anything in a while.





Current Music: Laura Veirs - "Don't Lose Yourself."

(write)

07:02 am - 4:23AM
I woke up.  I couldn't go back to sleep at all.  I felt very jittery and worried.  Not about my test though.  It didn't matter how much I tried not to think about it and fall back asleep because it was always there right in front of me, and all I can do is worry right now.  I didn't like it because I wanted to get some sleep, and I didn't like it because I knew I shouldn't be thinking like this so much.  I should try to worry about myself.
Current Music: The Killers - "This Is Your Life" / Rilo Kiley - "A Better Son/Daughter"

(write)

September 20th, 2009

09:56 pm - THE RULES
 1.  DO NOT gain attention through sympathy.  EVER.

2.  DO NOT doubt yourself.  EVER.

3.  Always stay in contact with ALL your friends.  ALWAYS.

4.  NEVER doubt yourself.  NEVER.

5.  DO NOT be self destructive in any way.  EVER.

6.  NEVER DOUBT OR 2ND GUESS YOURSELF.  ALWAYS HAVE AN ADAMANT MIND-SET.
      NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF. EVER.

Current Music: Julian Casablancas - "11th Dimension"

(write)

September 11th, 2009

12:08 pm
All he can do is blame himself for everything that has happened to him in the past week,

so he keeps himself busy and toils away
at minature projects to keep his mind at bay.
He keeps the mask on to prove he's still there
while silently finding his life is now bare.
Nails punched in doors that his mind can't absolve,
this effortless writing is not a resolve,
but a quick way just to write my thoughts
of how this has left him all crossed
and feel like he can't trust what he lost.
A pool full of sunlight he wants to paint black, 
so he can burn in the dark with no light on his back.



(write)

February 7th, 2009

01:54 am - Defeat
I've been anticipating for something bad to happen in my life lately.  Everything has been going really well, but recently I've just been getting bad vibes about the little things in my life.  All the big stuff has been going well with school, my girlfriend, and such.  I feel there's something wrong with me for not exploring the internet for new music talents, sitting down to try to draw again, or sitting down to try and play guitar.  I'm not sure if I'm unmotivated or uninspired.  In the back of my head is this image that I just need to get out.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.  I cannot wait until the summer days when I can enjoy the weather of the days and nights.  For now I am going to have to wait things out.



P.S.  I have been missing Trevin quite a bit since working today too.
Current Location: Insomnia
Current Music: TRENTEMØLLER

(write)
P.S If I May Ask Why

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